Post by marjolein on Nov 21, 2005 15:53:09 GMT 1
Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's
hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of
endless family gatherings.
However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I
want to
believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your
influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls/texts:
While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the
suggestion that any conversation or text of substance or necessity
takes
place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call & text those
ex-boyfriends or
girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me
during
the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating:
Now, you know I love good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a
double
cheeseburger,
along with a large kebab and some stale chips washed down with wine &
topped off with a Kit Kat
after a few cheese curls & garlic cheese fries ? I'm an eclectic eater,
but
I think you went too
far this time.
3. Clumsiness:
Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to
improve my balance, I see
NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's
completely unnecessary, and
the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day
are
beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the
front
door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore:
The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous! I know a
little
penance for our previous
evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility
is
completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the
proper
precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior
to
going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of
popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my
daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like
to
ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion
when I
just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order
to
continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances
above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later
than
Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour)
on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful
partnership.
Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan
P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Irish Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's
hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of
endless family gatherings.
However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I
want to
believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your
influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls/texts:
While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the
suggestion that any conversation or text of substance or necessity
takes
place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call & text those
ex-boyfriends or
girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me
during
the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating:
Now, you know I love good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a
double
cheeseburger,
along with a large kebab and some stale chips washed down with wine &
topped off with a Kit Kat
after a few cheese curls & garlic cheese fries ? I'm an eclectic eater,
but
I think you went too
far this time.
3. Clumsiness:
Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to
improve my balance, I see
NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's
completely unnecessary, and
the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day
are
beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the
front
door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore:
The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous! I know a
little
penance for our previous
evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility
is
completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the
proper
precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior
to
going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of
popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my
daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like
to
ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion
when I
just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order
to
continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances
above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later
than
Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour)
on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful
partnership.
Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan
P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Irish Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
